Commander Rapaport needs our help…

Ever since I was forcibly booted into the 21st century world of the Internet last December, I’ve been amazed by the volume and nature of the e-mail I receive daily from people who want me to have a better love life, a better mortgage rate or a better religion.

Most of these unexpected missives, to the cyber-savvy, are nothing more than spam – a necessary evil in our increasingly computer-dependent civilization. Every now and then, though, I get a message that demands immediate action, a cry for justice that cannot be ignored.

Like the communication I recently received from, er, Commander Rapaport, formerly of the Central Intelligence Agency.

Judging by his most recent message, Commander Rapaport has been treated rather shabbily by everyone from Bill Clinton to Forrest Gump and has yet to be properly compensated for his contributions to everything from karate tournaments to rock concerts.

“Yes, I am formerly Commander Rapaport of the CIA,” began his plea for justice. “The Central Intelligence Agency fired me so that they could get away with bank frauding me for money I made writing parts of Microsoft’s product line and for money I made writing various movies, without being prosecuted. The agency also stole 4-5 Congressional Medals of Honor from me…”

Damn that CIA – when are they going to learn?

And bank fraud is just the tip of the ol’ iceberg, according to former Commander Rapaport.

“During part of the time I was assigned to the Pentagon, the Central Intelligence Agency would conduct mass burnings of their theft victims and witnesses in the Pentagon’s incinerators in order to avoid prosecution for bank fraud and real estate fraud.”

Like I said, damn that CIA – when are they going to learn?

And it gets worse, amigos – much, much worse.

A former celebrity bodyguard in Beverly Hills, Commander Rapaport also may have been the victim of amnesia-causing drugs which caused him to misplace several cars and homes he forgot he owned.

“From 1994 through 1997 I made a lot of money writing parts of national software packages, scripts for movies, adviser positions, having roles in monster suits and playing concerts. People even willed me money I don’t remember getting paid for.

“In response to this, someone slipped me some extremely powerful drugs that caused selective amnesia and stole a lot of money out of my bank accounts. I even spotted some houses recently that I think I own.”

And Commander Rapaport has yet to be compensated for dozens of entertainment projects in which he participated, including:

” ‘Men In Black’: (In addition to writing most of the main plot to this movie, I also was two of the aliens and I wrote a little of the computer graphics at the very end) … Will Smith did not write this, in spiteĀ of what the credits say. I did.”

” ‘Ronin’: Main plot written by Robert DeNiro and I – 400K stolen – speak up, Mr. DeNiro.”

In addition, “The man who was Barney the Dinosaur most of the time willed me $400K, which was later stolen.”

The time has come for all right-thinking citizens to demand justice for Commander Rapaport, so get started today. I’ll join you just as soon as I change my e-mail address…

Originally published May 11, 2003