It’s never easy to predict what will prove to be the most popular Christmas gift for any given holiday season.
Whoever would have imagined that Cabbage Patch Kids would be the hottest thing since refried beans con queso? Or that Tickle Me Elmo would capture the nation’s imagination in a way that the talking George Bush action figure never would?
Picking the gift that will pick the pockets of holiday shoppers from Barstow to Brattleboro has never been easy, but this year I’ve got a bona fide front-runner that can’t – and won’t – be ignored.
Say “Merry Christmas!” to the life-sized, electronic chimpanzee head.
In a retail world grown weary of radio-controlled Humvees and ho-hum Bratz dolls, the severed chimpanzee head is like a breath of fresh air at a Republican fundraiser.
Recently advertised by Wal-Mart, the life-sized chimp head is touted as “multi-sensored, highly communicative and fully interactive with four distinct moods…”
Four distinct moods? Hell, half the people I work with here in the newsroom don’t have four distinct moods.
And it comes with a remote, so you can interact with your remarkably lifelike chimp head from across the room.
Best of all, it’s only $139.97.
Hey, it doesn’t get any better than that, amigos.
Oh, sure, it might seem a little expensive at first glance, but remember what we’re talking about here – a life-sized, interactive chimpanzee head with four distinct moods.
And, if you buy in bulk, you can pretty much wrap up all your Christmas shopping with one triumphant march through the chimp department at Wal-Mart.
For example, if you have 10 people on your holiday gift list, you can get each of them a lovable chimp head this Christmas and take care of the whole bunch for less than $1,500.
Overall, not a bad deal.
After all, if you’re a typical resident of S’lano County, you probably spent more than that on gin and Vienna sausages last month.
Your friends and relatives may quickly forget the oversized candy canes and jingle bell socks you normally hand out at this time of year, but they’ll never forget opening up a colorfully wrapped Christmas present and discovering a lifelike severed chimp’s head inside.
(Really. I wouldn’t kid you on this.)
And life-sized chimp heads are so versatile. You might want to keep your own chimpanzee head on the living room mantel, on your desk at work or, perhaps, impressively riding shotgun in your Hyundai.
Having a jolly Christmas dinner with the family? Slyly bring your life-sized electronic chimpanzee head to the table on a covered platter, then lift the lid with a dramatic flourish.
You can bet you’ll be the envy of the celebration.
Remember to shop early, amigos – these chimp champs are sure to sell faster than you can say bonobo.
Originally published December 3, 2006
Oh, for f**k's sake... 