Hey, here’s a swell idea for next weekend: Don’t do any methamphetamine. Don’t snort it, don’t shoot it, don’t smoke it, don’t rub it under your tongue.
If you can last from Friday night through Monday morning without the slightest smidgen of the junkyard stimulant – no cheating! – chances are you might even last through Tuesday or (dare we hope?) Wednesday.
What a concept, America!
I guess I’m just being ridiculously optimistic, but I think it would be great if all of us could get through just one weekend without turning ourselves into sweating, pop-eyed meth fiends who are just as likely to park our cars upside down in the neighbor’s okra patch as we are to shoot the family cat because it was looking at us funny.
Admittedly, I’m being rather tiresome about this whole methamphetamine thing. But I walk into the county Hall of Justice five days a week and, five days a week, I encounter twitching wrecks who used to be moderately functioning human beings who are trying to explain to a judge why their formerly successful lives spiraled into meth hell in the space of a year or two.
Meth is killing us, it’s trashing our families and it’s wreaking havoc of innocent bystanders.
Plus, it’s making a helluva lot of us look incredibly stupid on a daily – sometimes hourly – basis.
Take the Portland case which I will refer to simply as reason No. 347 to avoid meth.
According to a recent Associated Press report, an Oregon man (who shall remain nameless just in case he ever gets his act together), was chaotically rolling along with a skin full of methamphetamine last year when he was foolish enough to pick up an automatic nail gun.
Then our over-methed hero somehow managed to shoot himself in the head with the aforementioned nail gun – not once, but 12 times.
Repeat after me: Meth, bad. Meth and nail gun, worse.
Not a really tough concept, eh?
On the positive side, our methventurer survived the nail gun fight he somehow got into with himself and eventually made his way to an Oregon medical facility.
The AP reported that the man, who complained of a headache, first told doctors he’d had a nail gun accident (12 times?!), but later admitted he’d taken meth and might have tried to kill himself.
Using a pair of needle-nosed pliers and a drill, doctors were able to remove the nails successfully, and the patient lived through the ordeal.
I know there are a few substance-challenged thinkers out there who already are arguing “Hey, if he hadn’t had plenty of meth, he might not have been strong enough to make it to the hospital to have his nails pulled out!”
Let’s try this again: Meth, bad. Meth and nail gun, worse.
Ditto for meth and handgun, meth and chain saw, meth and rattlesnake, meth and gasoline, meth and tambourine, meth and jar full of short-tempered scorpions …
Really, amigos. I wouldn’t kid you on this.
Originally published May 21, 2006