Name recognition is a valued commodity for legal practitioners. To be known is to be successful – although it doesn’t hurt to win a case or two occasionally.
Unfortunately for most attorneys, getting one’s name recognized is all too often left to the Yellow Pages or having one’s moniker inscribed on the side of an otherwise unremarkable office building on an otherwise unremarkable boulevard in Anytown, U.S.A.
All this, however, may soon change.
Conniving with a pair of as-yet-unidentified cohorts – also known as accomplices – I think I’ve come up with a reasonably priced solution to the old name recognition problem.
The solution tentatively has been christened Buzz Legal Services, and it soon should be available to any far-sighted attorney with a with a little jingle in his or her jeans and the courage to let us mold his or her reputation through concentrated bursts of carefully orchestrated chatter.
Here’s the game plan:
For a basic annual fee of, say, $750, an attorney who has yet to have his named bandied about the Supreme Court hires Buzz Legal Services to make sure that his name becomes synonymous with truth, justice and a bite like a barnacle-munching barracuda.
Participating attorneys may select three court appearances a year during which our specially trained spectators (crudely referred to as “shills” by the uneducated) will gasp in astonishment when a subscribing attorney enters the courtroom.
For example, when attorney-at-law Michael McWrit strolls confidently into the courtroom, our operatives will turn, gasp and whisper urgently (just loud enough for Oregon to hear):
“Hey, isn’t that Mike McWrit?”
“Whoa! Michael McWrit in person!”
“Mike McWrit …”.
“Mike McWrit …”
“McWrit – didn’t he win the big (unintelligible) case?”
“Yer daaaaamned right.”
“Now we’re gonna see some justice in this county …”
And that’s only the beginning.
For a slight additional fee we’ll be able to have three temporarily unemployed members of the news media trail a subscribing attorney from the courthouse steps to the courtroom, waving notebook and microphones while urgently shouting questions which we guarantee will sound quite compelling but be absolutely unrelated to the lawyer’s actual practice.
“Mr. McWrit! Mr. McWrit! Is it true you’ve decided to file an impediment for transactional immunity? What about the forum rei gestae?”
“Isn’t that a little like nunc pro tuncing the remittitur? The DA says you’re not going to get away with it!”
If the subscribing attorney isn’t used to dealing with the news media, we’ll also provide a handy cue card (three for $10) which he can memorize and use for painless – but compelling – replies, such as:
“Well now, it’s still early days, but I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that my client will soon be vindicated and justice will be served. This is still America and the Stars and Stripes are still flying over the courthouse lawn.”
Hey, name recognition doesn’t get any better than that, amigos …
Originally published March 4, 2007