Parental coaching? I could do this…

There’s new hope for harried 21st-century parents struggling to raise children in today’s hectic world of multitasking madness and 26-hour days.

Some parents, overwhelmed by the daily grind of demanding jobs, demanding creditors and demanding offspring have turned to parent coaches for help.

According to a recent New York Times report, these coaches are becoming increasingly popular with busy parents looking for do-it-yourself advice about how to handle difficult situations involving offspring who sometimes become a little too much to handle.

(You know – like your kids. And mine. And George Bush’s…)

According to the NY Times, parent coaches are convenient, inexpensive and usually just a phone call away. Plus, if you make a total botch of things, you can always blame that no-good parent coach who gave you all the crummy advice.

As far as I’m concerned, this is not only a great parenting tool, it’s a future career. Really. I could do this job. I’m a parent. I carefully observed my ex-wife raise our kids, so I’ve got plenty of experience.

In addition, I’ve got a working phone (most of the time) and know how to say “That’ll be $75, Mrs. Smith, and have a great day. Say hi to the kids for me…”.

Fortunately, it doesn’t take a whole mess of fancy-pants university degrees to be an effective parent coach. All I’ll need is a cheerful telephone voice and my already well-known problem-solving abilities.

Let’s take a hypothetical situation. Mrs. Smith (not her real name) calls and says her kids have just driven their go-cart through the dining room and they’re playing “Lord of the Rings” with weapons made from broken furniture. And it smells as if something might be burning…

What to do? What to do?

Fortunately, the wise old parent coach is patiently waiting by his phone and he’s got a ready solution for this pressured parent.”

Well, Mrs. Smith, those sound like some great kids you’ve got there. They just need a way to channel their energies into some kind of constructive endeavor. While they’re trying to set fire to the drapes, take a few minutes and drive down to the nearest auto wrecking yard…”

How many kids did you say you have? Three? OK, then buy three of the cheapest, grungiest carburetors you can find and bring them back home. Tell the kids that you’re having a carburetor-cleaning contest. Kids positively love carburetors. Give those little bundles of misdirected energy some cotton swabs and rubbing alcohol and tell them the child with the cleanest carburetor at the end of the day gets to go to Disneyland.”

No, no, no, Mrs. Smith! Don’t tell them when they’ll get to go to Disneyland. Don’t tell them you’re taking them to Disneyland. Just tell them that they’ll get to go to Disneyland. I’m sure that, sometime during the course of their lives, you’ll be proven correct…”

That’ll be $75, Mrs. Smith, and have a great day. Say hi to the kids for me.”

What did I tell you, amigos? I’m a natural for this job…

Originally published May 8, 2005