There’s no life like the goth life…

Goths got no respect – until now.

Finally, aficionados of the dark realm have their own lifestyle website dedicated to all that is gothic – including home decor, fashion, social mores and tips for the perfect goth wedding.

Welcome to “Gothic Martha Stewart: Do-It-Yourself Home Decor for the Morbidly Inclined.”

The brainchild of webmistress Trystan L. Bass, “Gothic Martha Stewart” answers all those difficult questions that even veteran goths sometimes puzzle over.  For example, there are step-by-step guidelines to managing a successful goth wedding, even if the bride’s parents positively detest goths.

By visiting “Gothic Martha Stewart” you also can learn how to differentiate between a medieval goth and, say, a cemetery goth; or find the best sources for gloomily atmospheric accessories to help make your house a tomb.  And that’s only the beginning, amigos.

“Gothic Martha Stewart” also offers an extensive shopping list of everything you might require to keep your growing goth lifestyle in high gear.

Suggestions include:

* Wine glasses of every size and shape (that, er, narrows it down…).

* Rosaries or large crucifixes.

* Silver, crystal or iron candelabras.

* Ostrich feathers from old hats.

* Hat stands.

* Tea towels (yes, even goths need tea towels).

* Tule or lace petticoats to use as tablecloths or curtains.

* Vintage furs to make into pillows.

Hairy pillows and petticoat curtains?  Get out the scissors and hot glue guns…The gothic how-to site also can help you accessorize your specific goth style for maximum gloom.   For example, cemetery goths should try to project a neglected graveyard kind of ambiance.

“If crumbling stonework and tattered shrouds appeal to you, there are many things you can do to make your home resemble a crypt,” Gothic Martha advises.

Palette?  “There aren’t too many colors in a cemetery, so the palette here is limited to black, shades of grey and touches of white.  Dried-blood red and faded dark purples seem appropriately evocative…”Dried-blood red? Ghoul-lala!

Textures?  “Softly worn velvets, shredded gauze and tattered lace mix with rough, crumbling stone. Nothing slick or smooth would be left in a boneyard.”

Well, of course not…

Musical background?

“If you wish to indulge the mood, try something terribly dirgey like ‘Christian Death’ or ultramournful like ‘Joy Division.’

“As for home decor, the appropriately accessorized cemetery goth residence also might include “gargoyles, stone or iron candleholders, grave markers, rosaries draped hither and yon, ratty gauze or lace curtains.”

And, like, don’t forget the coffin, OK?

Originally published June 15, 2003