She just started liking cheatin’ songs …

I know I’ve said this before, but as a relatively new and wide-eyed devotee of the Internet I never cease to be amazed by the truly remarkable items that seem to come skidding off the information highway and crash head-on into my e-mail.

Remember Oolong the pancake-balancing rabbit from Japan? Or Gothic Martha Stewart?

Sure you do…And now there’s EZCheating.com, which urges recipients to “Cheat with a married woman, cheat on your wife, cheat on your girlfriend!”

Uh-huh.

I remember once trying something vaguely similar to, er, cheating on a girlfriend. I don’t remember very much – head trauma, you know – but I remember that cheating can be a rather painful experience once the aforementioned girlfriend finds out about one’s giddy little indiscretions.

My very, very limited experience, I should add, came about before the age of the Internet.

Perhaps women are more easygoing nowadays – kinder, gentler and more likely to brandish an attorney than, say, a chain saw.

EZCheating.com pops onto one’s computer screen with an eye-catching photograph of a comely young lady who seems to be having some trouble fastening her clothing while declaring, “I want to cheat on my husband with you!”

And, apparently, she’s got some friends – lots and lots of friends: “We may not be models or movie stars, but we’re REAL women who want to start an affair with a REAL guy like you! Join our party of over 100,000 women who want encounters with men who don’t want long-term relationships.

“A party of more than 100,000 REAL women? Now that’s what I call festive…

Thanks to the wonders of 21st- century cheating, it’s as cyber simple as 1-2-3.

“Start an affair in 3 easy steps:

* See us – check out our revealing pics in our photo galleries.

* E-mail us – send us anonymous messages so no one has to know what’s going on between us.

* Meet us – we want to get together as soon as possible.

“And for those of us upon whom subtlety is lost, our 100,000 REAL women add:”WE WANT ACTION!!! Have your best affair EVER with one of us.”

Of course, there may be a few hidden stumbling blocks in this easy-cheating program.

For example, take a moment to consider our EZCheating.com hostess who cheerfully proclaims, “I want to cheat on my husband with you!”

That’s great, particularly if you think of yourself as a REAL guy, but what about that husband who may be a REAL 6-foot, 8-inch Pittsburgh steelworker known around the workplace simply as “Garrgh” who flunked his last three anger-management classes?

(Remember, there’s always more than two sides to cheating. Sometimes five or six, if you invite the neighbors over…)

And then there’s your wife or girlfriend. How’s she going to react when she finds out that you’re sparkin’ with 100,000 or so REAL women in search of your best affair EVER?

Yeah, I can see this is going to go over just swell.

Here are three numbers you should memorize just in case you can’t satisfactorily explain yourself in a reasonably convincing manner: 911 911 911….

Originally published July 20, 2003

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