A recent report from the University of California, Santa Cruz, indicates that staunch Republicans are nearly three times as likely to have nightmares as their wacky, light-hearted Democratic counterparts.
According to a press release from UC Santa Cruz, a new study by dream researcher Kelly Bulkeley found that half of the dreams of Republicans surveyed could be classified as nightmares, while only about 18 percent of Democrats’ dreams were bona fide sweaty sheet experiences.
The study, presented during the 18th annual International Conference of the Association for the Study of Dreams, further revealed that nightmares suffered by members of the Grand Old Party “tend to be characterized by more aggression, misfortune and physical threats to family and friends …”
Why am I not surprised by these findings?
Of course, Republicans have more nightmares than Democrats. They’re Republicans.
When Republicans grumpily trundle off to bed on any given evening, they’re abundantly aware of the fact that they’re still going to be Republicans when they wake up in the morning (unless, of course, they’re murdered in their sleep by rampaging bands of red-eyed, marijuana-puffing anarchists – I believe that’s Republican Nightmare No. 312).
Needless to say, this can get a little depressing night after night.
And, I fear, Republican nightmares are considerably broader in scope than simple aggression, misfortune and threats because, by their very nature, Republicans have a lot to worry about.
Picture yourself as a Republican (this is particularly easy if you are, in fact, a Republican). You’ve just drifted off to sleep and you hear the disembodied voice of a national news anchor reporting that Bill Clinton, after long and arduous soul-searching, has decided to register as a Republican and help lead the party into a bright, new dawn.
Now picture yourself tossing, turning and chewing on your pillow while making pitiful little moaning sounds.
See what I mean? Lots and lots to worry about …
Then there’s that dream that keeps returning each evening in which you find yourself transported into a future America where cryogenic researchers have revived the late Richard Nixon and are ready to launch his new political career on an unsuspecting nation.
He’s tan, fit, ready to run and, yes, he’s got Spiro T. Agnew right by his side …
Equally disturbing is that recurring nightmare in which Vice President Dick Cheney announces that he’ll be taking a few weeks off and President George W. Bush will be given free rein to say anything he wants anytime he wants to anyone with whom he chooses to share his unique political insights.
Keep chewing on that pillow …
To be fair, I should point out that Republicans aren’t the only folks who are plagued by bad dreams.
Democrats have nightmares, too. They’re called Republicans …
Originally published July 29, 2012