Yeah, like this is gonna work in S’lano County …

Ever since the phenomenon of road rage became prevalent on America’s frantic freeways, experts have been trying to mitigate the potentially deadly disorder.

We’ve all heard the simple solutions: Count to 10. Imagine yourself in a pleasant spring meadow. Always make sure to have plenty of ammunition within reach and easily visible to fellow motorists (otherwise known as beady-eyed, pig-headed idiots).

One of the latest remedies comes from the Massachusetts-based TheraSound group.

According to a recent press release foolishly sent to California media outlets for no apparent reason, TheraSound has developed a sound that soothes the savage breast and makes motorists mellow again.

“The one-hour compact disc, titled ‘Road Rage Relief: Music to Survive the Drive’ contains an uninterrupted flow of specially designed music that helps drivers stay calm and alert during periods of maximum highway stress,” TheraSound reports.

The soothing CD works by creating “a clearly discernible rising and falling harmonic pattern which encourages drivers to breathe slowly and deeply.”

Well, isn’t that all warm and cuddly?

Sorry – this might work in Cambridge while you’re flitting about in your maroon Miata, but it’ll never play here in S’lano County, where men are men and women use Jack Daniels for hair conditioner.

The only way to keep road rage at bay here is to let the other guy know that you’re the baddest cat in the No. 1 lane.

And yes, this can be accomplished with the right kind of music, but it has nothing to do with harmonic breathing patterns.

Want to keep potential troublemakers at least three car lengths away as you rocket down Interstate 80? No problem, amigos. Just choose your music wisely, then play it loud and proud.

Any CD by Ozzy Osbourne or Rob Zombie is a good way to keep white line-fevered idiots from starting trouble. Think about it – one of these guys is named Zombie and the other guy dances with ’em (“Hey, hey, do the Zombie Stomp!”). Is anybody going to risk tailgating you when “Demonoid Phenomenon” is thundering out of your speakers somewhere between Dixon and Danville? I don’t think so.

Also useful for casting a menacing pall over your auto are The Murder City Devils. I rather favor their “Empty Bottles, Broken Hearts” album.

Or arm yourself with “Harley-Davidson Road Songs.” The hard-riding album’s name says it all. Nobody messes with a Harley and nobody messes with a someone who’s playing “Bad Company” or “Born to Be Wild” at about 70,000 decibels.

The two-CD compilation also includes Sammy Hagar’s classic “I Can’t Drive 55” (“Go on and write me up for 125, post my face wanted dead or alive, take my license, all that jive, I can’t driiiive 55!”).

For those who favor a decidedly twisted blast from the past, Warren Zevon’s 1978 “Excitable Boy” album is indispensable for deflecting potential highway crazies.

Not only does this album contain Zevon’s well known “Werewolves of London” but his dark, desperate “Lawyers, Guns and Money.”

The sharpest cut, however, is undoubtedly “Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner,” a martial ballad about a, er, headless Thompson gunner named Roland …

Nobody gets in your face when Roland’s ridin’ shotgun …

Originally published January 28, 2001

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